Dear Alex
by Nyxelestia
Summary: “I’ve read your letters to the fandom, and I am responding in our defense, and for our apologies. Please, hear me out – I think it’ll be worth it.” – signed, an Alex Rider fanfic author. A response fic to l8rg8r123’s fic ‘Dear Fanfiction Authors’.
1. Dear Alex

**Summary:** "I've read your letters to the fandom, and I am responding in our defense, and for our apologies. Please, hear me out – I think it'll be worth it." – signed, an Alex Rider fanfic author. A response fic to l8rg8r123's fic 'Dear Fanfiction Authors'.

**A/N:**** Yep, just like the summary says - written as a response fic to l8rg8r123's "Dear Fanfiction Authors". Finished on Sunday, posted today for JK Mafia's birthday. Drop her a line wishing her a very happy birthday if you happen to go by her.**

**HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MADAM EMPRESS OF ORANGES!**

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Dear Alex,

I've read your letters to the fandom, and I am responding in our defense. Please, hear me out – I think it'll be worth it.

First off, right off the bat, I apologize for all your complaints about the fandom, on behalf of the whole fandom.

Well, okay, maybe not everyone – but certainly at least half.

…okay, I don't know how many people stand behind me on this, but whoever does, I apologize on _their_ behalf. And on everyone else's, because they should but won't.

I don't know why people keep making Mary-Sues. Thing is, most of them time they just glamorize themselves and do author self-inserts. Just ignore these stories. Any story that introduces a romance with an OC right off the bat is almost guaranteed to be a Mary-Sue – especially in this fandom, as the Alex Rider books are targeted towards a younger audience than, say, House MD or Torchwood.

As for female, teenage spies, though, you're hanging around the wrong kind of girl. You really think there are no other kids in the world who distrust adults, know how to fight, are great with improvisation, and can work on their own like you do? Think again.

It's not that _all_ teenage girls can't be spies. It's that _most_ teenage girls can't be spies. Just like _most_ teenage _guys_ can't be spies, either. Trust me, I hang out with guys, and they'd focus too much on looking good along the way, while on the job, to be able to actually get anything done.

We have no idea if Yassen's dead. People like him and want him alive. I'm sorry for that. But c'mon, he's cool…okay, so he killed your uncle. That's all Harold Sayle's fault. Yassen is just the gun, really.

But, I understand that you hate him. I plan to compensate for everyone else making you suddenly like him when he gets resurrected by throwing in quite some conflict when you meet him and…oh, shit, I just gave away a plot line of mine, didn't I? Well, at least I didn't say which story it was in.

And as for your dying, I'm sorry. But it is so much fun to write! I love the books written by Anthony Horowitz, but one of the major flaws is that he doesn't delve into emotional depths, enough. So, we have to compensate, and we just get a little…carried away.

Same goes for all the whump. We love exploring emotional testing, and boundry-crossing and physical thresholds.

Plus, it's just plain hott (or hot, or hawt, depending on how you like it spelled).

I promise to include plenty of painkillers in the end in my versions, all right? Want me to throw in anything else? Money and sex are well on their way to compensate, as well, even if it might be several chapters or so until then…

And on that note…

Sorry for the slash, too. But Damnit, we're young, horny, and have no where else to go! It's fuckin' hott, and it's just plain _fun_ to write, okay? C'mon, it's not that bad, and it gives a different angle to things. Besides, _never_ in the books has _anyone_ explicitly stated/established their heterosexuality.

…

Okay, I'm just not going to bother with justification. It completely fails – not just fails, but _phails_. But still, I plan to write it, because it's fun and hot and a great way to pass the time. (I'm writing one, right now, in a collaborative effort – and there's a lot of thought and planning going into it, and I have a lot of boredom to deal with).

As for Sabina: I don't know why everyone hates her. I happen to like it. Most Sabina haters probably just want to a.) See you gay, or b.) happen to like putting in their own OC's.

However, you can't deny Sabina is occasionally Mary-Sue-ish in her own right. I mean, seriously, Sabina _Pleasure_?! What kind of a surname is that? But, then again, you are occasionally Gary-Stu-ish, yourself.

…hey, don't blame me – take it up with your author, all right?

Don't worry about it coming from me, at least, all right? I'm nice to her – in fact, I'm trying to get her to move back! Just tell her to cooperate and not be scared shitless just because you were shot and people close to you have a tendency of dying, in this fandom…

I don't know why people don't make you sarcastic enough. I do my best. Thank Jade for adding in some sarcasm, as well. I do my best to add in as much black humor and sarcasm on my own, as well.

_1987_?! Dude, no one _knows_ when you were born. Tell Anthony Horowitz to clear that up, Damnit! Besides, you get better toys if it's a few more years into the 21st century. Hey, what can I say? Technology happens fast. Besides, the books do make the occasional reference to stuff that happens later in the 21st century, rather than earlier. It's a toss up, and the flexibility is nice. Most of the time, it doesn't matter too much, anyway.

And sorry about killing Jack. I know, I've done this, but angst is a lot more challenging to write (I don't know why people keep attempting it – I'll admit that most of the angst in the Alex Rider fandom is crap), and it's a great way to give people a second insight into your psyche.

We need it, okay? Angst junkies and all…

And I'm sorry about killing her, but I'm not going to stop, because after a while, the books lose their charm, and you need more, and you have to compensate in fanficition, all right?

I agree with you: Google is faster than Jesus. Go check out www-churchofgoogle-com. Google has actually been made into a religion. I think most people see you as quite a bit of an Atheist, so maybe you'll like this different take on things. If nothing else, it's a hilarious read.

Amitai was the first person to use the "Alex's class goes to SAS training" plotline. JK Mafia was the second. The first was original, the second was a rendition – but yes, the third steal becomes redundant. I swear and promise _never_ to use those already used plotlines.

I've got two Alex Rider stories posted, and about around seven more boiling on my hard-drive (and that's _just_ Alex Rider), and I promise that all nine or so plotlines are completely original – all mine, no one else's, and I don't care if they end up being taken when I do get around to posting them – they'll still be original and mine, and completely new.

Look on the bright side of things: at least if it's repetitive, then you know what to expect…right?

Okay, crappy defense. I'm on your side on this particular topic, anyway, so I'm not going to bother.

As for the plots you wanted in the spoofed letter: you never said please. A little bit of manners can go a long way.

Anywho, I would write them, myself, except I've got to write and re-write 14 currently posted fics across all my fandoms, not to mention the 15 plot bunnies boiling on my hardrive (26 if you count upcoming sequels in my several series stories), not to mention real life is kind of, well, getting in the way, y'know? But trust me, if I could, I would.

Here's an idea: why don't _you_ write one of these fics? I'd like to see what happens if _Alex Rider_ wrote an Alex Rider fanfic.

…aw, crap, now I've got another plot bunny idea…Damnit…ah, well. I guess it's now just 16/27 blot bunnies…

Now, Sabina, just to quell your nerves:

IGNORE the people who don't like you. I'm guessing a large number has to do with slashers and Mary-Suers.

And Alex? I'm also apologizing for the Yassen/Alex slash…yeah, I know, age difference makes it weird…but hey, most people forget that Yassen is probably old enough to be your dad – at least old enough to have worked with your dad. (And, apparently to some, old enough to have shagged your dad.)

I promise, I won't have Yassen screw you. He'll just be sticking to your dad, I swear…

…I also apologize in advance for any possible nightmares I may or may not have just given you…

This is largely an apology letter, and a bit of a defense. I'm sure you'll have a lot to say on this, and I hope to hear back to you. But, I still defend our right to write! (No pun intended – no, really, I saw that and was like, 'shit, now everyone's going to think it's a pun, when it's not').

Signed Sincerely,

Nyxelestia

First Order MEO

Resident Randommaster

Highly-Egotistical, Self-Proclaimed Goddess of the Internet

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**A/N:**** Drop a line, if you dare... :D**


	2. Re: Re: Dear Alex

**A/N:**** Er…do I really need to explain anything? I mean, really? seriously, does the title not say at all?**

**Just in case, this is a response to Chapter 6 of l8rg8r123's fic 'Dear Fanfiction Authors'.**

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Dear Alex,

To start with, I didn't say there are many teenage girls who could be spies – I just said that not _all_ teenage girls _can't_ be spies.

Though, for the record, I might actually be decent spy material with just a _little_ bit of training. Beauty, gorgeous, and pretty are all relative. It's still up in the air whether or not I'm good-looking (blanket term). Everything else, I've got down.

And I understand. I'm actually not that fond of Yassen has a heart stories, myself. Still like Yassen's interactions with you, though, sweetheart. But, in my fic, Yassen's not the bad guy. He's just not the good guy, either. Want me to write something with him as pure evil? I'd be happy to. I may not be able to take on a multi-chapter story, but one-shots are plentiful. That, and my plot bunnies are on Viagra, so I've got plenty to dish out. Any requests?

On that note, Sabina – any one-shots on your behalf you'd like to requests? I take them. I may not necessarily write it out, but I'll listen to the request.

And Alex, I promise to make you even _more_ sarcastic when meeting up with a hot girl – Sabina and otherwise – all right? Will that make you feel better?

I'm trying to make you feel better for all the shit I put you through and all that.

Now, I know you _think_ don't really need the painkillers, but please, stop trying to be all macho. They're free, they're available, and best of all, they're doctor prescribed – why turn down drugs?

And Jade, let him finish what he wants to say about money and sex. I want to hear it. But seriously, money, and sex (or at least something vaguely sexual) are on the way…eventually…I have to build up to it, a little…

Why is the gay thing a problem? Unlike many slash writers, I don't actually _think_ that _you_, yourself, are gay. I just like using your body, all right? I know that makes me sound like a pimp, or worse yet, a prostitution client, but seriously, I'm a whore at heart, so I promise to be nice to your body, all right?

Anyway…

Angst: Seriously, though, angst is just _fun_. It doesn't ruin the story, it ads to it! And, in most of my angst stories, you actually don't talk that much (in one that may or may not be coming out in half a year or so, you actually almost don't talk at all – you're almost mute), so you can't use 'not talking' as an excuse from emotional depth.

Sabina?

If I promise not to hurt you, will you come back? I swear, the worst you're going to get hurt is a light burn. And that's actually Jack's fault, not Alex's, and it's just a kitchen burn – er, it happened and was treated in the kitchen – so don't worry about it too much. For god's sake, Alex has been through so much worse than you have! Suck it up a little, you're not going to get shot.

And to the rest of you SAS-camp writers: I'm on Alex's side with this. _They_ get shot all the time (I'm pretty sure that's a part of the job description). Alex getting shot won't be any different. Alex, I promise, next time you meet up with the K-Unit, short of the unit's medic (no, it's not Snake) doing a standard check over it, they're not going to give a shit about it.

On that note, I also promise not to use the typical, 'Wolf is Spanish, Eagle's a goof, Snake's the mature medic, and Fox is silent' set-up you typically see in the K-Unit fanfics. I'll be at least a _little_ more creative than that.

Back on track: yes, you could still have been born if Yassen shagged your dad. Bisexual, anyway? I've dated two of them, and trust me, they can go both ways. (You have any idea how weird it is to have to tell your ex-boyfriend to keep his hands off your current boyfriend?).

And hey, you don't have to read about your dad and Yassen. And it's not AU, so you're still born. Just leave it to us young, male-interested, horny readers and writers to the slash fics.

Oh, and Jade? Please let Alex finish his sentences when he writes his letters. I'd like to hear everything that he says. Even though I'm probably not going to listen to them, his opinions are still important.

(And don't take that personally, Alex – I never listen to anyone. Ask anyone I know.)

Signed sincerely,

Nyxelestia

First Order MEO

Egoadministered Autoalienist (whoever tells me what that means gets an honorable mention)


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